Surviving Desolation

There is going to come a point in your epic surfer’s girlfriend journey when your guy asks you to come on a surf trip to Elands Bay or somewhere else equally random and desolate.

This would be a good time to say no… but then you’ll never truly experience the highs and lows of being a surf widow.

This column is based solely upon all my own memories of Elands, so if you’ve had an amazing time in there with your man, I’m stoked for you. Drop me a note I’d love to hear your comments.

My first ever E-Bay experience, as I’ve mentioned before, was a total nightmare which involved food poisoning, projectile vomiting and more sand than any woman can ever handle.

First off, you should know that my father is a die-hard camper, so every holiday involved a tent and potjiekos, we never enjoyed the comfort of a chalet or a buffet breakfast. That was for sissies.

If you’ve never been to E-bay then here’s a little description; it’s the epitome of a one-horse town. This place is so backwards, so old and rundown it’s impossible to imagine anyone actually living there and if they do, they must be kak mal. Some people say it’s beautiful but I was never able to see this thanks to the constant howling wind making visibility nil. In fact I can honestly say I once saw a tumble weed blowing through the ‘town’.

Here’s how to make you E-Bay experience more pleasurable

• Wear some serious slipslops (not crocs). The beach is littered with mussel shells, in fact, if you find a piece of sand to lie on, don’t move from it, that’s as good as it gets. The shells, when broken can seriously impair your ability to walk. I once got a sharp bit lodged in my big toe - cue lots of tears and blood, which brings me to my next point …
• Pack a first-aid kit.  The nearest hospital isn’t near it’s in freaking Lamberts Bay (which means you’ll go through a toll and travel along a dirt road to get any medical attention) had I known this I would have armed myself with 9 days’ worth of Valoid and Buscopan.
• Camp near to the toilets, I can’t stress this enough. Men do NOT understand the importance of this point. Not all women are comfortable with the words ‘drip dry’. Men simply whip their wangers out wherever and do their business, we need ablutions. At night you’ll thank me when you don’t have to walk the length of the camping site to make a pee. Also pack a torch because you’ll be stubbing your toes all the way and freaking out with hamster sized bugs and creepy shadows.
• No matter what, DO NOT eat from that hideous little hotel restaurant. Drink, yes, and play pool, but do not eat anything from that establishment, especially not the babootie. Otherwise you better bring Imodium.
•  you stay in a rondawel which Ian did once (without me) do not look up at the ceiling or under the bed. You will see the hugest spider of your life. That’s nervous-breakdown-heart-attack material right there.

From what I hear, the E-Bay camping grounds have improved immensely since my last trip, however I am so scarred for life from that holiday, I doubt Ian will ever be able to get me there without some serious bribery and promises of a lifetime supply of chocolate. If you can trick your surf widow best friend into coming with you, then it should be more fun. Otherwise I wish you all the best, you better grow some lady balls before you tackle the wild, wild west coast!