Off The Grid!

On April 1st, an uncharacteristically jocular jest even came from the Presidency when it announced three new cabinet posts, including "Social Cohesion and Nation Building".

In the bitchy cyberways of surf media, Kelly Slater was the star.

He bought Firewire Surfboards (oh wait, that IS true), quit the pro tour, ‘re-signed’ a multi-million dollar deal with Quiksilver, and launched a bizzarre new surfboard for the “slow walls” of Bells Beach, where the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach is underway in Australia.

The World Surf League was hit by a “match-fixing” scandal in which Filipe Toledo used a major performance enhancing substance (God).

In South Africa, an artificial reef was coming to St James, according to a Facebook post by the Surfers’ Corner blog, while local surfer Reza de Nicker’s mugshot appeared on a random Hawaiian drivers’ license as proof he was off to study Oceanography in Hawaii. The latter got me hook, line and sinker, and I was about to congratulate him on Facebook when I saw the comments. Duh.

Lifestyle surf shop tried to pull a fast one about trains to Muizenberg being cancelled because the rhythmic sound of the trains was attracting sharks, according, of course, to "UCT professor of 'Oceanic Rythmic Studies' (ORS) Dr R.U. Bish". Doh.

Wavescape announced that the big wave event was back but would be held in the Boland at a "previously secret spot" called Bricks (ain't gonna be secret no more!), which was part of an evil triumvirate of big wave spots that included Tokoloshes and Braai Grids.

“If they are scared of Tokoloshes, they must escape it with Bricks. It's always a step up, always at least three feet bigger,” said Corne Koekemoer, fictitious head of the hosts, “die Groot Geweer Eienaars Federasie” (The Big Guns Owners' Federation).

How do you fool people on a beady lookout for sneaky deceits?

Throw out the bait with a correctly shaped “inverted pyramid” news story. Hook them with solid “facts” and sources that appear genuine. As you reel them in, release the silliness in ever-increasing doses of daftness. The deeper they get into it, the bigger the moment of realisation. Ha ha! April Fools!

At Magic Seaweed, the subterfuge around Kelly Slater's weird board was subtle. It had you scratching your head as it skirted the absurd, but kept your sense of disbelief willingly suspended … by a thread. Kelly Slater posed with a ridiculously short green surfboard, and proclaimed that the Evergreen “is constructed from recycled pine trees and is 100 percent bio-degradable”.

The reason it was so short was due to "compressed potential velocity" or “twice as much foam elegantly telescoped into a shorter than average length” turning it into “a beast in a tiny packet” that “should pivot on a pin head”. What hogwash!

Surf Europe Magazine plumbed the depths of incredulity. Professional surfing had “been shaken to its core”, with surfers “possibly guilty of match fixing”, according to gambling authorities and the FBI. Of course, two judges were implicated, with incidents orchestrated by Asian syndicates. Not one judge, or three, but two. You can’t be too zealous when making up facts, but don’t skimp on the deception either.

Surf Europe Magazine plumbed the depths of incredulity. Professional surfing had “been shaken to its core”, with surfers “possibly guilty of match fixing”, according to gambling authorities and the FBI. Of course, two judges were implicated, with incidents orchestrated by Asian syndicates. Not one judge, or three, but two. You can’t be too zealous when making up facts, but don’t skimp on the deception either.

In a hilarious reference to the constant whining about judging in the surf world, “unusually large bets” were placed on “unlikely occurrences” at surfing events, as well as heat totals or wave scores. R100,000 was “placed on a competitor surfing into a rock at the recent Gold Coast Quiksilver Pro, at odds of 200-1”. This of course sends up Hawaiian Freddie Patacchia’s fit of pique when he deliberately and angrily rode his board on to a rock.

If you connect the con with actual events, you keep the gullible guessing.

Filipe Toledo did actually thank his creator in a live interview after his maiden victory at the Gold Coast event this year , saying “God helped me the whole event.”

Taj Burrow, according to Surf Europe, was miffed. He has never won a world title (runner-up twice) but “now this 19-year old comes along who never falls off his board because the supreme, celestial being’s keeping him upright. I can’t compete with that. Last year it was Medina, now it’s Toledo, and I’m just not sure it’s really in keeping with the spirit of the sport. I mean, HE even gave CJ Hobgood a world title for ***’s sake.”

That’s really fooling around.

What was your favourite April Fools? Put it down below with link if possible