Six Gnarly Things

I had been on The Rock for two days when we heard the sirens. The emergency vehicle came screaming past our house at Waimea with sirens on full. The helicopter came whirring overhead a few minutes later. A bodyboarder had got himself into serious difficulty at Log Cabins. His leash got tangled, the sweep made it impossible to release, and he drowned in a few quick minutes in fairly shallow water. It’s usually every second year that a surfer drowns on the North Shore during season.

Still, the North Shore is an incredible place. It’s scary and super-cool and beautiful and gnarly all at once. We at Wavescape decided to fill you, the reader in on a few inside tips and tricks on the North Shore, in preparation for our voyage to the Billabong Pipe Masters this year. Some of what we are going to write about and describe is warts-and-all truth on what really goes on in Hawaii, other bits are going to be gross exaggeration for means of effect (its called hyperbole) to get everyone reading these pieces and get our hit counts up. We might even throw in a few lies, just to keep it interesting and on par with modern journalism. Either way, hope you enjoy the few minutes you spend reading these pieces because they will be minutes that you can never, ever have back.

Six things that make Hawaii gnarly

1) The WolfPak/Da Hui/Blackshorts

It’s hard to tell who is who, but the default is to not mess with any Hawaiian whatsoever, whether he is a dark-skinned ballie, an overweight moke or a young, brown kid. They are all part of the Hawaiian family, they look after each other, and they run solid defense at all times. While it might have slowed down a bit from the days when Johnny-Boy was running amok, and the fact that serious assault these days leads to litigation, as well as the fact that many Hawaiian surfers are sponsored and have to therefore represent their sponsors, intimidation still goes down on the North Shore. You can sense it everywhere. There are also plenty of Hawaiians who don’t care for sponsors and litigation, and who love fighting. Be aware of where you are at all times.

1.1) Kala Alexander

He is one of the serious heavies on the North Shore and does not take any shit from anyone. The leader of the pack, however you want to read that, Kala runs security for the North Shore and makes everyone nervous. Don’t look at him, don’t get in his way, and don’t attempt to ride him over on the bicycle path in front of his mates after he had just been knocked out of an event, like this journalist once did. I got off lightly, with a withering stare and a ‘fuck off you fucking haole’ my only punishment. Others have lost teeth for similar offences.

2) Surfing Sunset

Sunset is a big meaty wave and it takes a lot of energy to control it. The wave is big and thick, rolling in from deep water, and it carries a lot of punch. Get caught inside here, and the chances are quite high that you will get caught, and you’re going to be under water for quite a while. On the other hand, make a gnarly drop on the outside and come screaming through to the inside bowl at full speed and get barreled and your whole trip has been worthwhile. Just remember that shit surfers get bombs at Sunset, and good surfers fuck up at Sunset. Tracks editor and hot surfer Luke Kennedy nearly drowned last year after he got a board to the throat in the Sunset shorebreak.

3) Surfing V-Land

Velzeyland is another spot where it is just impossible to feel welcome. Hawaiians will not give you a wave, and they get their kids onto waves out here, paying scant attention to the fact that you have been waiting for a few hours. The kids paddle past you and their large dads look on and call them into waves. Go for one of their waves and drop in on a kid and you’re on a one-way ticket to the dentist going past the dingrepair guy and possibly the surgeon. A secret here is when it’s small there are excellent lefts coming off the inside V-Land peak and no one surfs them. They go onto gnarly reef and if you get caught inside here you’re mince…

4) Shopping at Foodland

The prices are absolutely ridiculous and as a South African your credit card is going to take an absolute hammering. Beer is exorbitant, hard liquor is out of the question and the most expensive thing is fresh fruit and veggies while the massive white rolls with American polony and mayo are so cheap. You have no choice but to buy shit food, and to not drink any booze whole you’re there. But you’re not going to do that. You’re going to buy beer because you’re in Hawaii and it’s good to have a beer on a deck or on a beach somewhere watching the night arrive over a sea of stacked 20-footers. So you’re going to go broke, and get constipated and get scurvy or something from eating processed flour-based products. Thanks to Foodland. Shittest, most expensive food store in the world. Starbucks is right next-door.

5) The Sirens

As mentioned previously, the sirens signify possible tragedy. When there is a big swell they go all day, and everyone goes quiet as an emergency vehicle, siren wailing, flies past on the way to Pipe or Sunset or Log Cabins or whatever. Shit goes down on the North Shore when the swell is up. People fly from all over the world to place themselves right in front of the biggest breaking waves possible, and things are obviously going to go wrong at times. Often on the biggest days surfers get left out there as night falls, and choppers can be heard till the late hours, with spotlights on the sea. It’s scary to even think about.

6) A close out set at Waimea.

Doesn’t happen often when guys are out there, and when it does it’s a pretty big deal, in more ways than one. Watching from the beach you can spot the monster sets a mile off. The horizon actually goes black, people start scrambling, and people on the view spots start jumping up and down from their relative bravery of being out of range. Some guys, hardcore local big wave nuts, remain firm, content in the knowledge that they know where the correct take off spot is and the only way they are going to get the biggest wave of the biggest set of the biggest day of the year is to be in the right place. They generally get caught inside. I witnessed a close out set the last time I was there. The lifeguards had gone home, it was late in the evening, and there was absolute carnage, with multiple broken boards, and surfers with broken limbs getting washed to the west rock pile and others struggling to swim in through the tumultuous rip that washes out the bay as the sun disappeared. Waimea Bay, when it is going, is a dramatic place, and a proper close-out set is riveting stuff. Oh, and by the way, Andy Marr is still da man at Waimea.