Contest Girl Guide

Here’s the thing with surfing competitions, it’s all about the waiting game. Usually there’s a four day window period in which to finish a two day event, which means your boyfriend will be moaning and groaning about swell forecasts throughout this time, either he’s amped for the comp or he’s kak nervous.

Early in my relationship with the Ferret, I was all-in on these day trips to far-off locations. He used to compete much more back then, and I soon learnt that trips to contests were not for the larnie or wimpy chicks.

The annual Kalk Bay Shootout took place recently. Every year since I’ve met Ian – seven long (I repeat LONG) years – I ’ve only missed two. Before the City of Cape Town went posh on Kalk Bay and gave it a spanking new beachfront that could rival Camps Bay, we sat peering over a very vrot vibracrete wall that threatened to collapse if one more surfer scaled it.

The prime parking spot was between an old wire fence and the wobbly wall exactly where a massive pot hole left you looking at the waves at a 30 degree angle. If you weren’t careful when you got out your jalopie, you’d place one foot in a muddy puddle. Those were good times.

Nowadays you can check ous surfing right from the comfort of your vehicle and perfectly demarcated parking spot all along the flow-lined railway line. On this particular morning, I was in no way prepared for the 7:30am call time.

I hadn’t slept the night before - thanks to a lekker does of nasal drip, eina bones and thick kop. Ian literally had to pull me out of bed despite sad puppy dog eyes that pleaded “please support me”.

I dutifully tumbled into the car, although an hour later than we should have left, which meant one very vital thing, we wouldn’t find a prime spot to park which in turn meant, come rain or shine I’d be standing in the lot cheering on my man.

Lucky for you my experiences have taught me to be prepared, here’s what you’ll need to survive a 12 hour long competition (including the bridge-too-far prize-giving):

quick guide to contestsDress like an eskimo. There will be newbie bokkies in shorts. Ignore them. You are warm, they are not.

Take a hot water bottle. Don’t worry about the obvious “is she pregnant” stares.

Pack a blanket; you will need this to place under your numb-bum. You will have numb-bum because you will forget to:

Bring a chair: Without it you WILL be forced to sit on a rock. Not comfy!

Check the heat sheet: You need to know what colour vest he's wearing. Cheering the wrong guys does not go down well.

Get the slang right: It's not a 'spin', it's a 360, for instance.

ID his board: If you know the last two, and you actually recognise the colour/ shape/ type of his board in the water, you're well on the way to widowed bliss.

DRESS LIKE AN ESKIMO. There will be newbie beach bokkies who rock up in shorts, ignore them, trust me they are freezing their noombies off and are wishing they wore uggs and about eight layers of thermal underwear like you.

TAKE A HOTWATER BOTTLE. Stuff it under your shirt and don’t worry about the obvious “is she pregnant” stares. Don’t tell them you are smuggling a hottie otherwise those savages will extract it from your frozen arms.

PACK A BLANKET; you will need this to place under your now numb-bum. I know you will have numb-bum because the next thing I tell you to bring, you will forget to bring, like I always do.

BRING A CHAIR: Write this on your forehead if you have to so you don’t forget because you WILL undoubtedly be forced to sit on a rock. Rocks are generally not comfy no matter how cushy your arse is. The great thing about a chair is you can plak that thing anywhere you want and chill; no one (especially not irritating teenage girls) can take your spot when you go for a covert pee.

Talking about peeing, generally most surf contests will organise access to a loo, this doesn’t mean they will remember to place toilet paper in said loo. Therefore always pack your own. Now that you know what to bring here’s how to decipher what’s happening around you.

At the judges table there’ll be a ‘Heat Sheet’ that basically outlines who is surfing in what heat (each heat is 15 -30 minutes) and what time they’ll be surfing, who they’ll be surfing against and what colour rash vest they’ll be wearing. This is super important. There is nothing more embarrassing than cheering for the wrong dude (a common mistake).

Like when he comes out of the water, eyes red, dripping with salty water and excitedly asks you, “did you see my wave” and you didn’t. Or worse when he says “did you see my move” and you reply “Yes! That spinny thing?”

Surfer girlfriend fail. Both will ensure that you will be left at home the next time a contest comes around. Learning the manoeuvre terminology is something that comes with practice and I’ll be explaining it all to you in my next column but for now, just ask anyone.

They’ll be stoked that you’re amped to learn about the sport. To ensure that you never make this faux pas take note of the colours of your boyfriend’s board. If he’s a body boarder, his slick (the back of the board) will be one colour and his deck (the top of his board, the part he lays on) will be another.

This is an easy way to tell where he is in the water, as none of us have eagle eye vision. The more you watch him surf the more you’ll be able to notice his style of riding. Enjoy they camaraderie of the day, the sponsored gifts, the tunes and be prepared to love every moment of it!