50 Shades of Mud

The hypnotic sound of breathing and a beating heart sent us on our way.

Kadoof. Kadoof. Kadoof.

Commentators at the FNB Wines 2 Whales Adventure last week had cheekily included this recorded soundtrack to our departure from Lourensford, a sprawling wine estate near Somerset West.

Former Olympian MTB rider Erica Greene and Supersports presenter Gerald de Kock chuckled and teased as my partner Carl Wicht and I lumbered over the starting line, part of 1,200 riders taking part in this mini-epic that would include 4,500 metres of vertical ascent over hill and dale, forest and veld.

Persistent torrential rain was to make the first day's 76km ride seem like double the distance through endless tracts of sludge. I had no idea you could get so many kinds of mud.

In the mountains between Somerset West and Grabouw, the typical variant is made when the white sand of the single track through fynbos mixes with rainwater. As ratings go, this is mild mud. It is mellow mud. Mud you can handle.

Puddles in white sand mud barely change colour. They are see-through or off-grey. The sand stays compact, but sinks with your wheels, forcing a wet friction that makes you pedal harder.

Along some slopes and jeep tracks, there is red mud. This mud makes puddles orange and opaque, disguising bone-jarring potholes. This mud is loose and gritty. It flies off your wheels like pellets from a shotgun. This mud pulverises your brake pads before your eyes and sprays you from head to foot. But you can ride this kind of mud because your tyres grip the firm ground beneath.

Then there is normal mud. This is brown mud with the consistency of, well, mud. This is the mud you may have played in as a kid. This mud turns puddles into dark coffee. This mud smacks you in chunks as it flies off your spinning wheels, splattering your clothes in lumps, and stinging your face. It’s thicker than other muds, and quite slippery, requiring careful pedalling in middle gears to keep momentum.

But the most evil mud - the worst kind of mud in the world - infests the darkest corners of the blackest forest direct from Hades. Black forest mud feels like clay, with the chemical makeup of half-set treacle mixed with burnt engine oil. This stuff has been mixed with as much organic mulch as that evil little forest goblin could muster in the black dread of rain-swept night.

This mud clogs every working part, human or mechanical. This mud hits you square on the eyeball, cruelly finding a way around your sunglasses.

Black mud is the smoothest and most slippery of all the muds. Black mud is the cruellest of all muds. Black mud wedges in every cavity, turning knobby tyres into slicks and MTB shoes into treadless tekkies dipped in elbow grease. You are more likely to win the lottery than control your bike at speed through the black mud bogs found in forest dongas.

When you ride down into this bog, you have to uncleat one foot to temper the yaw and side-slip along a sloshy mud slide. Hit it too fast and you're wallowing like a warthog in mud. Never mind 'like' - you are a warthog in every way.

Once you get back on your bike to ride out the other side, there is no momentum to take you through. There is no traction. There is no grip. Your legs spin as a cartoon character. You pedal madly like a horny turtle caught on kelp. So you uncleat and push your bike up. But there are no footholds. Each step forward takes you two back. You slip. You slide. You spend a lot of time on your knees, looking heavenward.

You get to the top, panting and wheezing. Your bike looks like a weapon wielded by the Swamp Thing. Back on the open road, out of the forest, your bike makes horrifying scraping sounds like the last rasping breath of a dying Darth Vader.

Then time stands still. Silence seeps back. You hear it. Air sucks in. Air sighs out. Kadoof. Kadoof. Kadoof. Kadoof. It's a heart-beat.

This is no recording.

This article first apeared in the Weekend Argus on Saturday 9th November.

The FNB Wines 2 Whales Adventure was the first of three events, with the Ride taking place the next day, Monday 4 November until Wednesday 6th, and the Race being ridden from Friday 8th and ending today, Sunday 10th November. More info www.wines2whales.co.za